When put into hindsight, there is no other way, but to be okay. Some experiences define you, some refine you. All of them teach you. And just like Nada Surf once said, always love, hate will get you every time! Maybe that’s what Buddha was talking about with the whole forgiveness thing, albeit in a much more minimalistic fashion. That’s what the Heart Sutra is about perhaps (have only skimmed that one, gotta go through that one real soon). It’s straight forward. But what about forgiving yourself before you forgive the things that wronged you?
How far are we allowed to go, to fix something that’s broken?
Untill the remedy, is worse than the disease.-Morbius
One might even say, ‘until the broken consumes you’. But that again is a slippery slope. Stay away from these slopes until you know what you are doing.
The real question is why do we even get attached? Why do we even feel the need to act, to fix what’s broken? I’ll do you one better, why do we even feel the need to label something as broken or fixed? All I can come up with is, our willingness to conform to the self and the stimulus. And you are only willing to conform to the things you love. It can be anything. Love takes all shapes and size. From your significant other to your teacher, parents, friends and family. It doesn’t even have to be a person or a form. True love, however, is selfless.
See, it’s tricky. Straight forward is often confused with easy. The two aren’t easily correlated. Let alone causal. It’s important to rise above the right vs wrong, good vs evil, and fair vs unfair, to the point where the sun shines in a clean air over the misty clouds that constantly shadow your existence. But you can’t do that till you distinguish acceptance from forgiveness. Forgiveness truly is the truest form of existence and detachment. Attachment to the identity you try so hard to maintain is at the root of all the sufferings. People often mistake, when someone conforms silently and gives you space in their heart, with actions of a mind planted with ideas and notions. The thing is, people don’t remember what you say. They remember how you made them feel. To not let people in easily, is apparently not that easy for empaths. Especially when, they feel everything. More you try and explain, more hurtful it gets. However. Close your heart to the people you let in and the pain stops. Forgive, and it fades away. It’s just that straight forward. Took me a while to figure that one out.
Of course it’s not just the job that keeps us up all night. I mean if life’s so hard already, why do we bring so much trouble on ourselves. What’s up with the need to hit the self-destruct button? Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we’re wired that way because without it… I don’t know. Maybe we just wouldn’t feel real. What’s that saying… Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.– Dr. Meridith Grey (Grey’s Anatomy)
Morpheous famously told Neo about how he can only show the path. The journey was Neo’s alone to make. Yes, that’s a Matrix reference. Throw in a bit of narcissism, self-obsession and a healthy dose of the God-complex, and retrospect. And as it dissolves into a series of atomic choices in the exp-space complexity of this entropy we call existence, you can see what he meant by it. These atomic choices often underlooked, hold the key, in the pursuit of happiness.
I am grateful for all the friends and families that were by my side all this while. I never really gave a lot of thought to friendship. Figured I have a choice. But in reality, it’s the other way round. You don’t get to choose your friends. Your friends don’t get to choose you either. You just discover it over time, if you are so lucky. And by God, was I lucky! Staying away from our families, I didn’t even realize when friends became a family. And like Mrs Forman puts it, all families are embarrassing. They are not family if they are not embarrassing 😉
I am taking some time off now, to figure out the rest of my journey. Got a new place, same old family and the most amazing friends one can ever have. As for the books, I sure have them in abundance. So I decided it’s time to forgive, as I figure things out, one book at a time!